remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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