This dress was meant to end up on your floor
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
