I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
