When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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