I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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