I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
