The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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