who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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