who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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