i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
