I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
