I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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