I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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