went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize