He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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