my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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