at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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