FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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