My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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