Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
