I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
