all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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