Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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