Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
