Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
