just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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