i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
