I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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