i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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