you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize