So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
