We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
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Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
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Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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