In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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