the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
