Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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