So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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