it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
