Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
