thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
