She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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