I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
