At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-