I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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