she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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