Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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