Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
