I'm so fucking centered right now
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
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while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
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For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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