Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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