I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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