I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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