he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
