I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
