I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
