i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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