im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
We need to get me chipped asap
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize