On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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