I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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