i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
